Les petits enfants.

So I didn't get SC, and I'm kind of sort of really bummed.

The saddest thing is, is that I have the strangest feeling that it wasnt because I didn't try, or didn't do well. It's because people don't like me, I have a rep, a rep that's hard to shake.
And I garuntee you, I am not blaming anyone for this but myself. But see it's like this.

You are born in the capital of the world. The rain slides down the streets, and washes away the colour. You're surrounded by people, yet you are the loneliest person in the room. Your family hears you, but they dont really listen. You could die now, and people would cry, but how much would they really care? You put on your lipstick, and wear your new dress, you participate in the innate rituals of pretending you're happy to see people you aren't. After a while, it's like, why am I even here? Why do I even speak to these people? The rain continues, and you're still at the bar. Forgotten, lipstick stained cigarette burns away in your ashtray, untouched for the last five minutes. Staring vacantly, vapidly into space. Hey, isn't that what every girl here wants, vacancy? If you're vacant enough, you're atractive. You know why? You're malleable, bendable, flexible, pliable. People can mould your mind into whatever they want, and you won't complain, because there is nothing there. Streams of water run down the street, and your head is pressed against a cool window, streaks of foundation remain when you extricate yourself from it's icy grip. You're in a hole that for once, no one can dig you out of, and as usual, no one cares.

And isn't that the scary thing? The complete oblivity of the people around you? This town is anonymous, yet everyone knows everyone. People hide behind masks, which are just doubles of their true selves. It's a paradox, and doesn't it drive us all mad? The rain steadily drip, drip, drips through a crack in the ceiling ruining your perfectly coiffed hair.

And the fear sets in.

Who am I, and where am I going?

Grill and Thrill!

Hello faithful (and not so faithful) readers.

I'm REALLY shit at keeping this up, but I haven't really thought of anything to write.

Friday we had Innovation rehearsals straight after school (actually half way through school, my mother surprisingly let me skip last lesson). Though not being particularly taken by fashion myself (I buy the same outifts in multiple colours and alternate once in a while) I always enjoy the community atmosphere that comes out of working with a whole bunch of people for a show. You always grow really close, and - as is with a big show like Innovation - it's a little bit sad when it's all over.

So we all headed to first Nigel's house (where the boys needed to pick up fuel and Nigel needed to change, out of our omni-hideous -new word! - school uniform) then onto SIS, where we had to try on all our outfits. I wore various dresses, and once I figure out how to put photos on here, I will make sure I put some up. But they were all very tricky to put on/take off, so it made the quick changes a little hard. Rehearsals were, as always, fun. But as usual we were hungry - walking up and down a stage is more tiring than you think, oh sigh, the hard and complicated life I lead. We then headed to the food court (Shrey, Cricks, Leesh and Fernandez) where Fernandez kindly bought me some fantastic noodles. We sat around for a while, talking about the usual mindess teenager things, and then Cricks went on Facebook. He was informed by Aardvark that M wanted to talk to me. After a moments hesitation, I called him, only to find that he hadnt changed his attitude in the slightest. Alas, I guess some people will never learn to be adults.

You've got to think of it this way. He's mad at me because I told the truth to someone I care about - before she found out the hard way - and who he supposedly loves. If he didn't want to hurt her, he should've never done what he did in the first place. I dont think this argument makes much sense, but if anyone has reasoning behind this, you know I always value your input.

So the morning of the show, I performed my various ablutions, careful to not mess up my 'artfully' blow dried har. Unfortunately, the minute I stepped outside, my har exploded into a ball of hate anf furryness, and my day was ruined. NOT REALLY THOUGH. 'Waited for Cricks on the Caine Rd escalater, even though he was 15 minutes late, I didn't hold it against him, as I was sheltered by the warmth and internet connection in the nearby Cafe O.

We finally collided, and proceeded to chain smoke while waiting for the ever elusive (sp?) bus to arrive. Just as I lit up my 5th or 6th cigarette, the bus decided to arrive and I had to chuck the rest on the floor. Alas, poor Yorrick, I knew him Horatio. Sorry, random Hamlet quote in there, have been most preoccupied with him as of late.

'Spent the whole day rehearsing, from 11:30 onwards - exhausting. And sneaking out for cigarette and food breaks when no one was paying us attention. Apparently pretty much all the guys in the show managed to have a good look at my warped anatomy, which I pity them for, I have yet to find out how this happened...

I finally got fitted for my Alexander dress, which was gorgeous, if a little too big around my breasts - but hey, what's NOT too big around my boobs? And I wish I could have taken all the dresses I modelled home. Leesh's line was AMAZING and I was so proud of her, I have already forced her into making me a dress for my birthday. It's fairly incredible how she managed to both design and model for the show. That girl is like supergirl. Kind of like me when I've had too much redbull...

The show went really well, apart from when I tripped slightly in my Kanchan dress, as it was tight and hard to walk in - that and the fact that I am not the most co-ordinated person on earth...

After the show, I went looking for my Mother, Murphys and father only to find the latter missing - which was a little sad, but I'm over it. If he thinks seeing an acquaintance blow his birthday candles out is more important than watching HIS OWN DAUGHTER'S fashion show, I' cool with that. I just expected better from him. My mother was there, unfortunately, and pretty much ruined my night with her irrational and unpredictable behavious as usual. I don't think I'll ever invite her to one of my shows again, all she can do is pick holes in my performance, and give me an uneasy feeling when I need to talk to her.

After much coersion, my mother let me go to the afterparty (she had actually told me a week before that I was allowed to, but as I previously mentioned, she really is unpredictable). I went over to Dilemma and Pie's house first to get ready, also so Dilemma could get her credit card. We then went to the afterparty, at A.V.E.N.U.E in LKF. Unfortunately I was in a bad mood by this point as my dear Maman kept calling, so I really just drank quite a lot and sat by myself and observed. I then proceeded to badmouth some people who were annoying me, then went back to drinking solo. I would like to state here, that I do not understand why guys think they have the God given right to touch girls in clubs. Just because it's dark, does not mean it is not offensive if you grab my ass or put your arm round me, when I blatently don't want you to. It's sexual harrassment, and it's damn annoying. Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

Anyway, on Saturday I went to the Cricket Club with my Dad to have lunch. I ate one slice of burschetta, then felt sick (who says drinking isn't amazing for your diet?). Aardvark joined me later, and we enjoyed the privelige of drinking while your parents pay for your liver tumour. After 5 or six drinks, we had run out of cigarettes, so we went up to the petrol station to go get some more (FUCKING CIGARETTES HAVE GONE UP FUCKING 10 FUCKING DOLLARS WHAT THE FUCK) and on the way back, I had another brilliant idea. I'm not sure if you've ever been to the Cricket Club, but there is a Girl Guide's camp place right next to it, with an adventure playground and everything. Dillemma and I have always wanted to break in but we never worked up the courage to do so. However with a few drinks in my, it was reasonably easy. And I agiley navigated the whole course - well that was a lie, but at least I didn't get stuck in the nets like Aardvark! I should probably inform you, I am like Tarzan minus the loincloth... and climbing skills.

Anyway, on the way back home, Aardvark and I spotted a sign proclaiming "GRILL AND THRILL" and we thought it was a pretty funny euphemism for spit roast

As seen in the sentance : "Boy A and Boy B Grill and Thrilled Girl C"

HAHAHA
i love aardvark, he is such fun.

Joanne and I have our Hustings coming up, and we are freaking out. Everyone wants to 'burn' us as they all seem to pretty much hate us. It's always nice to know you have the support of your peers. We are concentrating on writing a killer speech, with innovative new ideas. Last week, I dont think I would've voted for anyone apart from P and G, their speaking skills were poor and ideas under researched. Fingers crossed Joanne and I don't come accross like that.

P.S. I like this photo because I kind of look like a photo of Princess Grace I once saw (A fatter, brunnette, less pretty version, but still!)

Old habits die hard...

'Had a visit from an old friend about two months ago, and I can't seem to get rid of her. It's like when I am well again, she is lying, dormant - hibernating even - in my veins, waiting for my weakest moment. It just takes that one bad photo, that one snide comment - and I am off again. I know she's there, and I can't stop her. She's insatiable, and I know she (and I, for we seem one and the same nowadays) won't stop as long as I am wasting away, skin and bones. She's like a parasite, feeding off my insecurities and depressions. I've decided to come out with this now because I know others are suffering in the same way, and I do not want them to feel alone, it's just because of the negative influences around us that we get this freak phenomena. I know you probably feel like the only one in the world who is going through what you are going through now, but I am here too. Stay strong and we can beat this problem together.

I know, this is probably a little shocking, but most of you probably dont get it, but i told myself that I would blog about anything, no matter how embarrassing or controversial it is...

Anyway, had a huge fight with my mother this morning. I know this is probably really sick, but sometimes, if I have a particularly bad fight with her, I find myself wishing that she would die, so I could live with my dad and not have to deal with her. I know that's a horrible thought to have, but I really believe it sometimes - she drives me so fucking crazy.

Got to school on time - missed out on my morning smoke, and pretended to eat breakfast - which was a miracle. Had a free first lesson which I slept SOLIDLY through - probably because I was up so fucking late, thanks to a certain someone. Then I had English with Mr. Wheeler, who has just had an adorable baby girl called Anna. Christy was terrified about the upcoming Senior Prefect interviews, so we spent most of the lesson giving her tips and calming her down.

Talking of Head Boys and Girls, CONGRATULATIONS JHO and PILAU!

Had Philo next, and MY GOD I hate Miss Foley. So this terribly bigotted and hypocritical guy in my class was going on and on how he would hate his own son if he was fat and gay (something later pointed out to me, was that the guy in question was suspected to be gay himself) and instead of reprimanding him for his close minded and selfish ways, MISS FOLEY LAUGHED

Yes, I am fucking serious, she laughed. I feel completely and utterly sickened. What this school needs is some morals from it's teachers. They need to set an example for the rest of the students. Can you imagine, if we had someone gay in our class, and all the class was laughing about Dev's hypothetical gay son? I felt like choking both him and her. They have no idea how stupid they sound to the majority of the educated people around the world.

Maths last, and to our delight the fire alarm went off, so we didnt get much done (we never really get much done, but hey!) but I did get a sticker for finishing my work. I think Miss Chiu thinks I am severely retarded because I get stickers just for bringing the right book to class.

Ha, Maths Studies, what a joke.

Things can't get any worse

No really, they can't.

Dont read this if you feel uncomfortable around depressed people.

My dad is back in hospital, and just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I am too scared to call him because I keep freaking out thinking that this could be the last time I will ever speak to him. He's so old now, and people keep on making insensitive comments about people around my Dad's age. FOR EXAMPLE, John McCain. Stop saying he'd die within a week of becoming president, my dad is that old and I can't bear it when people say it. I don't know what to do, I'm so fucking confused and upset, and at the moment, half the time, I can't tell whats going on. I'm in like a living nightmare. My dad is the only one who still believes in me and I have a horrible feeling he is not going to be here any more. I can't believe it, it's tearing me apart, I can't do anything about it and it makes me feel so fucking impotent. AND THEN I SEE ALL THESE FUCKING IDIOTS talking all this shit to me, and I think to myself, if they knew half of what was going on with me, they'd feel so bad. Maybe that's why I am writing this post, because I want people to feel sorry for me. But the thing is I don't, I'm just sick of people not knowing where I stand etc.
I miss you Daddy, please don't go. I'd really do anything. I'm in literal floods of tears everytime I think about it. fuck fuck fuck

I really think, I am sinking into a pit of despair, and nothing is going to snap me out of it. I find myself hating everyone around me because they seem so happy. I know they might have problems as bad as me, but I'm jealous of them all the same. Do you know what makes me even more upset? Seeing families. I can't bare it in the slightest, it makes me feel so uneasy and left out, and I stare at them a lot and think about how the have no idea how lucky they are.

I wish I was one of the lucky ones
I mean please
give me a break.
It can't happen like this, nothing ever goes right.
The thing is, it's a vicious circle, one thing goes wrong - that I can't control - and then the things I can control all spiral downwards.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

An Uneasy Feeling In The Pit Of My Stomach (And An Uneasy Habit Of Capitalising Every Word?)

Good morning, mindless shitbags who don't have anything better to do than read my blog :D

I'm just kidding, you guys are my favourite people. Because you listen to my self-centered rants :)

So, I hate my life basically. You guys know the site http://www.fmylife.com/? That site is like my life, no jokes, I mean I can't even find it properly funny because those stories are far too close to my life for comfort. I am just one HUGE WALKING LIVING BREATHING (barely) FAILURE. So this is my letter to God (kind of like one of those pleading letters those really ugly people send to makeover shows)

Hey big guy, how's things? 'Just want you to take a minute off your schedule of raising the dead, walking on water, turning stuff into alcoholic goodness, or whatever you do for kicks, to hear me out. Hey, I've always been a beleiever and I always go to church - so WHY can I not get a break for a week (A month would be like manna from heaven - no pun intended). So here are my list of problems, all you have to do is tell me WHAT TO DO.

I simply cannot do ANYTHING right. For example, I am sittin in Textiles right now. I don't have the coursework due for today - not even started it -, hell I didn't even do the last coursework... Or bring in the tired old recycleable garment we are meant to be turning into something dazzlingly trendy and new. What to do?

Next I have French, but I simply don't have the guts to go, I am simply too terrified of the school finding out that I havent gone in two months or so because they will probably kick me out... WHAT TO DO?

I have lost my 'progressive report' as well, and can't work up the courage to tell my head of house either... WHAT TO DO?!

I am fairly sure I still have no friends, I have a fucked up relationship with certain people and others who I thought were my friends (ahem Panth) have all but alienate me for the same thing that I forgave them for within a week... hello?? Also, I have other backstabbing traitorous pieces of shit who bore the crap out of me (ya'll know this isn't you if I haven't mentioned this to you) and OF COURSE, stupid cows who lie to me about hooking up with people to make me upset. Necessary, I think not... WHAT TO DO?!!

I am also sick
of this constant slew of insults
Sure, I can take a joke way better than the next girl, but it tends to get tedious after a while. It was funny at the beginning, but frankly I am starting to tire of it. When you are told everyday you are fat, ugly, slutty etc etc, the novelt hilarity of it starts to wear thin for a while, as is with my patience.

I hate going home in the evenings, I hate even more having my mother come home in the evenings
I want to be left alone
without all this bullshit to deal with

Hey, I know it's probably not your fault, but it would be nice to be given a break once in a while, yknow?
So man, What on earth do I do?

(Sorry this blog post was a little heavier than usual kids, will try and write a lighter one later)

The Journey

'Had a jour excellente on Saturday. Box Box and I headed to Cul de Sac at around mid-day (ultimate beer consumption time) and waited out the arrival of the rest of our photography crew. We also sorted out wardrobe for the shoot (Pie in a white lingerie-esque top with blue frilly knickers and Ho in white pajama bottoms and a grey shirt - all courtesy of Cotton On). Everyone, as is normal with these artistic types, were late. With the glaring exception of Ho, for whom I commend grandly for showing up on time. Strolling up around half an hour later were WRP, Dilemma and Pie shortly followed by Muffin. Turns out, despite being late Pie forgot the paint we were meant to be throwing at her and RWP and I had to trawl the mean streets of Central to find some decent paint. First store only had paint for metals which they assured us would cause a nuclear-fallout effect on our skin (it was corrosive, in other words), but we soon came across a great costume shop on Pottinger Street that sold body paints, which didn't look too promising but were only 10 dollars a tube (be quiet we are poor). After acquring ten rather measly tubes of body paint, we then skiddadled back to Cul De Sac where everyone seemed to be more or less ready and Dilemma had polished off my beer (not impressed, Dilemma). We then sorted out camera arrangements (Muffin on Pie's Nikon and me on Box Box's Canon) and off we went! Unfortunately Ho, Muffin and Dilemma walk extremely slow so Pie and I were leading the pack, with Box Box somewhere in the middle. This made us miss the first bus which caused me to go into panic attack mode, but thankfully the number 66 pulled up shortly after.

After a quick change from Pie on the bus (with Muffin going manic with his camera), getting some strange stares from visiting Germans just behind us, and accessorizing her, we soon arrived at the Cricket Club, said a quick hello to my father and hurried on our way to our (not so) deserted photoshoot location (not before grabbing a few beers/ red bulls/ water at the petrol station) . Pie had no qualms about quickly stripping down to her underwear and after a bit of coersion (?) neither did Ho. Pie was rushed through makeup (graciously applied by Dilemma) and Box Box applied foundation to a very bemused Ho's chest. Shooting started and went SWIMMINGLY if I may say so myself, Ho and Pie had great chemistry and I was most impressed with both of their proffessionalism. Muffin also did a fantastic job, being a first time photgrapher and Box Box and Dilemma kept everything running smoooothly. After we chucked paint all over our amazing models, we called it a day and let Pie and Ho rinse the paint from their bodies (there was rather a lot, dilemma and I went a bit overboard with the whole paint chucking - hey, it was crazy fun) and demanded beer towers off my dad. After reluctantly agreeing to ordering two, we proceeded to drink ourselves silly. After finding that we couldn't finish the huge amount of beer we ordered, we called in reinforcements in the form of M and Aardvark (who requested his code name to be changed to Raven, I said no). We finished the beer in no time and convinced my dad to buy another one, just as his lawyer arrived, looking slightly uncomfortable to be confronted with a team of drunken, underaged teenagers.

We soon left the Cricks as I had to go try on a costume for the Star Wars party on Sunday at the Conrad. The costumes were ridiculous (yet kind of crazy awesome) and I persuaded Aardvark to wait for my while I pretended (albeit quite drunkenly) to be Princess Amidala and played with lightsabers and ray guns (PEW PEW!)... poor Aardvark. At least he got some funny photos...

Like a true gentleman Aardvark dropped me home and I passed out happily on my couch, only to get a call from my mother saying that I needed to go to a neighbours party for a bit. Drunkenly attiring myself is no easy feat (you should see some of the outfits I come up with when I am wasted) and I headed up four flights of stairs (my building is too ghetto for a lift) to this neighbour's party. It was surprisingly un-awkward and fun and I sat down talking to a lawyer for an hour - he thinks I should give evidence in court for the Tibet protests and the mishandling of the protesters as he is representing Christina, another girl who was protesting not far away from us and got put into a head lock by the police...

Next morning, we did the CRAZY AWESOME Star Wars party. Jackass copied his WHOLE show from Spiderjan, it was really quite disgusting to watch, as Jackass' version was a less funny, less talented, watered down version of it. Dilemma, Cesca, Juicy and I all immensely enjoyed ourselves, making strange loud comments and chatting with the parents. THIS KID WAS SO FUCKING RICH, the room decorations alone cost about 500, 000 dollars and basically it was a sick display of conspicious consumption which I usually dislike so much, but the food was excellent and the people fairly friendly, so I guess I can't complain for now...

Anyway, English awaits, will speak with my faithful readers soon.

Bug Love (?)
x

all of the boys and all the girls are begging to if you seek amy :)

HAHAHA Do you guys get it?

Guess who's back? How very exciting, call your friend, jack off your dog, call the police, get a restraining order - I don't care!

What is wrong with me?

So, M.V.A.L (My Very Awful Life, will be known as MVAL from here on) is not getting any less A. Everything I do fails. For example, I will be walking Princess Olly Sausage McChicken Noodle Soup Muffin (Poor, poor dog) and I will see a cute guy, with a cute dog, one of these two things will happen - it's sod's law - either P.O.S.M.N.S.M (he has a magnet that makes other dogs HATE him, I swear) will maim his cute dog, or maim him. Either that, or I will step in dog shit, or sing to my iPod loudly without even realising he's there. This is the kind of bad life I lead...

Anyway, I still haven't worked up the courage to go to French, but I have just been put on a 'progressive' report (I mean, why couldn't they just say "REPORT FOR THE MENTALLY HANDICAPPED GIRL WHO DOESNT ATTEND LESSONS AND SPENDS HER WHOLE DAY AT SCHOOL SMOKING ON THE ROOF OR MINDLESSLY PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES/CHECKING HER FACEBOOK OBSESSIVELY TO SEE IF SHE HAS FRIENDS YET!", I would have rathered that than 'progressive', fuck it's like being called 'special' because you can't speak), which means I have to get all lessons signed off or I'm out. Unfortunately, the school has no inkling that I haven't attended French in about 4 months, and they are going to get a mighty shock when Mr. I-Don't-Get-Laid-Enough-So-I-am-Going-To Assert-What-Little-Authority-I-Have-On-Teenage-Girls-Who-Speak-More-French-Than-Me writes on my 'progressive' report just this.

WE INTERRUPT THIS BORING BITCHING ABOUT A SELFISH TEENAGER TO BRING YOU A SERVICE ANOUNCEMENT OF NEXT TO NO USE (when is a service anouncement ever any use??): NIV OPPENHAIM IS A GOD!

Anyway, so F.A.B and I have been planning our campaign, and it's pretty much set, we just need a sponsor... M and Aardvark say they will sponsor us, but we need to have a picture of them on every poster, MORAL DILEMNA. And speaking of dilemma, she's been acting really distant. I kind of thought we were best friends, but the first time I've seen her in a month would've been today and she's blown me off for M (and probably panth), I mean fair enough - if I hadn't told her about a WEEK in advance - but come on, how can we be friends if we never see each other, isn't that a bit dumb? (actually she is seeing me, all is forgiven)

Oh, as you can probably tell, M and I have made peace, but the war still rages on between me and Panth (okay, so I wouldn't call it a war, since I actually have no hostile feelings towards her) I saw her the other day in Central, actually. It was a little weird... like nothing had happened, until we started talking. She was like "CASSI!" and for a minute I forgot we weren't friends, but then I remembered and it got awkward fast... :(. Well I kind of miss her, so I don't know what to do, whatcha think readers?

So, yesterday, went to go see Muffin and his band perform their EXCELLENT gig at The Vine (for only about 10 minutes I am afraid) with Box Box and felt very awkward with all those moshing christians and sat on the side haha. We also had an excellent dinner at the Dot Cod (I left Box Box there waiting half an hour, having an awkward conversation with my father, sorry Box...:) where I had clam linguini and scampi - everyone should eat those two things there (or the scallops, which are amazing when they are in season).

Today I am off to photoshoot Ho and Pie throw paint at each other in their underwear! YAY! More later mi amigos!